Dressed in a roughed-up pair of Clarks Desert Boots, faded skinny jeans, and a Vertical Church Band shirt, I entered MW120 carrying only the little confidence I gained from praying and being prayed for before the election night. If my mind serves me right, I had the misfortune (or fortune, depends on your perspective) of being the first of six nominees that evening. I did my round of questions and even made a quick joke on the notion of bribing the Chairman of the fellowship at that time. (I said I would've done so, except that the Bible clearly speaks against it and if we claim to be His followers, then we have to do what His word says. Therefore no, I won't do it.) Everyone in the room laughed at that quick comment and I was then escorted to leave the room.
I remember pausing in the middle of the MW hallway. I stopped and said a quick prayer.
Lord, I'm probably not gonna get this. I believe I'm just going to be taking the position of someone who could do better than I do. But thank You, Father, that in some way or two this shows how far You have brought me in my walk with You.
The rest of the night goes by. We all part ways after a good dinner at The Rex's Den and I make my way home. Once I was there, my usual Wednesday night routine of unwinding the night away was interrupted by something that seems so mundane in this fast-paced day.
My iPhone rang.
An email.
I was going to serve on the 2014-2015 UTSC ACF Executive Team.
At this point, I wish I still remember in detail what was going through my head. But I no longer do so. What I do remember, however, is that a year down the line, I look back and see what an amazing year it has been. You see, at the end of last year I never saw myself being able to serve in the same way that the Exec Team that year was able to. In my opinion, the standard they left was just way too high and the shoes way too big to fill. (I know that the members of that Exec Team will read this somehow. But do hear me out.) Yet it is at those moments which I admit that I can't, God showed up and proved to me that through Him, I can. He disregarded my weaknesses and directed my ways, yet there were also times in which He demanded my willingness when I was tempted to walk away.
It's true when they tell you that you'll never know what you're going to miss if you don't follow Him, that you should never sell short of what He has for you. As I look back, I would have missed a lot of opportunities to grow in my walk with Him, and to hone even further the gifts He has entrusted me with. Of course, there were also times of painful growth through the chapters of the year that I wish I can rewrite or never have to experience at all. All those considered, I'm not who I was a year ago. I may not be who I want to be, but I'm not who I used to be and it is but by His grace that continues to transform.
It would take me forever to write one by one all the things I've learned being able to serve as this year's Small Group Coordinator. Thus, allow me to share here some that stood out. (Moment of disclaimer: I know that this year's Chairman, Grace Phan, wrote a reflection here a couple days ago. That being said, any similarities that may come out of my reflection are purely coincidental. But I encourage everyone here to read that reflection as well!)
1. It's okay to not know everything. For as long as I've had the privilege of being in a ministry deal that had to do with teaching God's word, I've always struggled with feeling like I did not know enough. Just several days into being installed as the Small Group Coordinator, I remember being questioned by a peer about how can I call myself a Christian (let alone a leader) yet not know the Reformation, Church history, or cite a doctrinal truth from historical Christianity from memory. Moment of vulnerability here: as much as I need to give that person some grace and forgive them for what they said, I must admit that what that person said ate me alive. I found myself spending more time reading up theology and spending hours listening to really solid preaching, yet with the rate I was taking in my life had little to almost nothing to show for it. (#DemonstrationRevelation, anyone?) Instead of desiring to live a life of Christlikeness through the Holy Spirit's guidance and power, I found myself covering up this insufficiency by working hard (and sometimes, way too hard) in areas I knew I can excel in. And sometimes, that meant on some occasions it was all me instead of God in me.
During Week Five of the Winter Semester stretch of #TheEndOfTheMatter (the theme for this year's series of gatherings, based on Ecclesiastes 12:13, 14), I recall my mentor, UTSC Chaplain Ptr. Sebastian Vazquez, encouraging the ACFers that evening that following Christ isn't about knowing everything there is to know about Him. (1 Timothy 3:9, 16) As I write this down, that reality is something that I always have to preach to myself. Being born and raised in a Christian home, I find it kind of ironic how a lot of the stuff I grew up on only started to make sense in recent years as I grew older. But yet again, if we were only here to chase after knowledge, then I reckon I (and a lot of other folks who share the same struggle) would've not earned salvation just yet, let alone will we be able to in this lifetime. Not that I'm saying here that chasing after knowledge is a bad thing, but that it shouldn't be the main purpose of your walk with Him. To quote a fellow Exec, truth is "you can know everything and still be a [insert preferred insult here]."
2. Make sure you're accounted for. A couple years ago, I remember reading a very sobering piece of commentary on the spies' reports to Moses on Numbers 13 and 14. Long story short, it took just ten men (!!!) for the nation of Israel to have been stopped short of God's promises to them because of their lack of faith. A similar incident also occurred in Joshua 7 in which it took just one unrepentant man (!!!) for the Israelites to get wrecked when they went up against Ai. (What were the odds?!)
What am I trying to get to here? In a broad stoke, it's the reality of spiritual warfare that we face daily whether or not we are being used by God in some explicit capacity or another. As Grace mentioned in her reflection a couple days ago, Satan is indeed a sneaky rascal who would exploit every weakness you have from the sin you do not dare share to no one to your lack of trust in the Lord our God. That being said, I cannot stress enough the need to not just have a solid foundation in God and His word, but the need as well to be kept accountable in your walk. Reach out to your family and to people you trust and ask if they can keep you accountable; even if that means simply meeting with you to hear you rant about how your life has been of late, making sure your sanity's intact and that you do not have the knack to smack someone with a MacBook Pro or run somebody over with a Toyota Camry.
My dark humour aside, I know for a fact that I would've not finished the year (let alone finished it on a good note) if it weren't for the people who kept me accountable along the way. From our Chairman, Grace, who every now and then checked in on me and challenged me; my mentor, Seba, who discipled me and encouraged me whenever I wanted to quit; to our Vice-Chair, Jon, who simply wanted to make sure my sanity's intact yet was not afraid to call me out. The list of people goes on as deep as David Ooi of Ambassadors For Christ, the folks at Calvary Logos Baptist Church and Champion Life Centre Scarborough, and (of course) the Exec Team itself. (Task Force SFWS!) There's probably a handful of others that I may not be able to mention here in much detail, but all things considered I thank God for the people that He aligned in my life during the year and how that made such a difference not just in my service, but especially in my walk. Praise God for every single one of you.
3. Not everything will be perfect. Besides the feeling of not knowing everything, this has got to be one of my biggest struggles this year. Doing a good bit of television during my growing-up years, I've always had the mindset that I had to execute perfectly, especially on the first try. Everything to the smallest details has to be perfect or else it's not good. And knowing that I was working for a network that's had little to almost no sponsorship dollars, I had to work my best at every single opportunity or else I'll be shown the door at the end of my ongoing deal. As much as that gave me the motivation to work hard then, I must admit that it overflowed years later to how I've served in a local church/fellowship setting. And to be honest, it's not a good mindset. To say a few implications, this mindset would mean that the gathering has to be running on time; the music worship has to be on point; and that the execution of the evening's activity has to run according to the agreed plan. (Program flow charts, anyone?) One small hiccup would dampen whatever we were able to accomplish.
In 2 Timothy 2:15, Paul exhorts a young pastor in Timothy to do his best in his service to God. He didn't tell him to strive for perfection or to make everything look like it came straight out of an iTunes podcast, but rather to simply do his best. Let's be honest, friends: we'll never be perfect. Thus, there's absolutely no need to put that pressure upon ourselves. Based on experience, it just brings about a lot of unnecessary pain and it makes you place an unrealistic standard not just upon yourself, but to those who you are serving alongside as well. Also, having such a mindset robs God of the credit He deserves for His ability to use imperfect people to advance His kingdom's rule and reign. There's always going to be that gathering that will not go right, there's always going to be that music worship set that will have an awkward moment, and there's always going to be that activity that will not go to plan. And being reminded that it's not about what we can do but what God could accomplish should give us comfort that instances of imperfection is okay; we ought to simply do our best and leave the results to God. Besides, we're not defined by our successes or failures. Our qualification to serve on any platform is the shed blood of Jesus Christ, the one that which liberated us to the life we have today.
4. It's okay to not be okay. Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions of being in leadership (or any ministry deal) is that just because you're in a position means everything in your life's going well. That you're blessed by our God and that you have His favour and blessing showered unto you as frequent as there are snowstorms here in Toronto. Not that being blessed by God is a bad thing, He does give provisions to His children in more ways than we ever ask or imagine (hint: they're not just material things!). During the year, God provided in more ways than one whenever I found myself on the verge of worrying. I was also blessed to have worked alongside a very competent team and the times we got along with each other heavily outweighed any instances that we drove each other nuts. However, whether or not we're serving Him in a certain capacity, knowing the depraved nature of our world it's certainly a given that there will be days that we won't be okay. During the school year there was instances I wanted to walk away because of things happening behind the scenes. And in the true spirit of toughing it out, I stayed on board when I knew I would've benefitted from sitting out and letting God pour into me through the brothers and sisters He surrounded me with.
Oh, how prideful I can be.
Truth is, none of us here are perfect. We're all hopeless, in need of God's grace to keep us alive when things go tough. That being said, it's totally okay to be vulnerable before your brothers and sisters who you're serving alongside with. No need to pretend like you have it altogether when inside you don't. (Trust me, they'll know if something's going on.) The fact that Christ loved us first gives us the grace we need to love and bear each other's burdens; we're here to love, laugh, and even weep with each other. But another side of that deal starts with you; we have to be willing to reach out and say "I need help". Need a shoulder to cry on? Need a hand to hold? (Figuratively. We're not that kind of fellowship, I was told.) Need someone to listen? There's always going to be someone who's willing to listen and walk alongside you. The only question is, are you willing to let go of your pride and reach out for help?
5. Remember what this is all about. Serving in leadership, it's so easy to get consumed by a lot of other things and miss the point of having the community in the first place. In my case, I found myself a lot of times getting consumed with administrative work, marketing, music worship, and overseeing the Small Investment Groups (SIG's). My daily thoughts were somewhere along the lines of "have I sent out the information for tomorrow yet?", "who's turn is it to be Program Coordinator?", or "where/who/when are we meeting?" As much as my attention to detail and creativity was an asset to this year's team, I must admit that in most occasions it comes at the expense of what the community is really about: we exist to love God and love people. (Mark 12:29-31) I struggled relating with my fellow ACFers knowing that what occupied my thoughts were how to properly execute components of the ministry that intentionally facilitate the relationships we already have with each other. (Not that those platforms aren't important.) Kind of ironic when at the end of the day, what mattered the most is the relationships we have with each other which is found in God's unconditional love towards us, not the weekly gatherings or the SIGs. (Another bit of irony: I remember talking about that in my last blog post here. Strike two for hypocrisy, Dychioco.) How does that look like when you take away everything that makes up UTSC ACF on a weekly basis? In it's purest form, it's brothers and sisters sharing life together through games, sports, and even in the everyday things like meals and coffee; being able to love one another because Christ loved them first.
In the first bit of Romans 12, Paul urges us that in light of what God has done (hint hint: it's the Gospel!), we ought to offer our life to Him as rational service. (Romans 12:1) In simpler terms, that means every single moment of our lives from the moment we wake up to the moment we end our day we ought to live it in a way that exalts God. We would want to live in such a way that in every moment, we point back to the Saviour in heartfelt worship and thanksgiving. We basically exist to exalt Him. In the latter part, Paul also lists out practical ways how that love we have for our Lord overflows with the way we relate to others. All things considered, that's what I believe community is all about. The fact that we are loved by our Saviour, we are able to walk alongside each other in good times and bad. And this journey isn't always the smoothest of roads, but we have the assurance in God's grace that we would be able to bear with each other when things go south.
All things considered, I'm not a perfect person. At the moment, I'm struggling with coming to terms with the fact that my sins, shortcomings, successes, and failures this year does not define who I am as a Christ-committed follower, nor does it disqualify me from any future opportunities that may open up down the road as God recently shut the door on me coming back for another year. Nevertheless, all glory goes to God for an amazing year that just concluded a few days ago. The fact that God used a twenty-one-year-old Filipino-Chinese immigrant in His massive plan for UTSC absolutely blows my mind as I look back. Being part of UTSC ACF was nowhere near my plans three years ago, yet when we give in to what God has in store for us awesome stuff takes place.
I thank the Lord our God for my family who challenged me to do even better when I think I'm already doing my best. I thank the Exec Team who poured into me and gave me goals on how to improve as a follower of Christ. Shoutouts to Jon and Heusen who will be moving on to serve for another year. I know you guys will do great. God's blessings as well to Grace and Jamee who, like myself, will be moving on to other opportunities beyond Exec. It's been a blessing serving alongside you both. Major thanks as well to those who walked alongside us this year from AFC's David Ooi, former Chairman Tristan Poon, to even folks like TJCAC's Ptr. Arthur Wong and NHURC's Ptr. Mitchell Persaud. The knowledge you folks bring to us has been such a great help when it mattered the most. I thank my brothers and sisters from the community and even my local church network who checked up on me and encouraged me to keep fighting the good fight whenever I wanted to drop my gloves and walk away. I thank God for my SIG who never fails to remind me that all things we consider as fellowship removed, it simply is about walking alongside each other in a relationship founded in Christ. I thank Seba, my mentor, who poured into me and kept me in check. In more ways than one, you all have been such a huge part of this journey.
And last, but not the least, I thank my God who gave me the opportunity to have served in this way. I sincerely repent of those times I made it about myself when it's supposed to be about You. After all, You could've totally used someone else when instead You chose me.
It's been a good run.
Thank You.
Jesus, every victory is found in You.