My thoughts.

As I write this blog, I worry it's more from my flesh than for His glory. Even that statement alone worries me.

I have a lot bottled within me, friends, school, work, church, my family and just all my brokenness. I want to start of stating, I am spiritually, physically and mentally drained. But I have to say, I enjoy every second of it. Sometimes I want to cry out and I do at times and to be honest, I love it. Every tear I cry signifies something great, something worth crying over. When Jesus was crucified, many (probably all) of his followers cried and those tears that they shed, should be shed from our eyes, too. So if I have one thing to cry over or about, it should be the cross. I pray I can and will understand the cross better.

One thing I really really really ask God for, is to be more like Christ himself. But the problem is, I am not actually willing to be like him. It's funny isn't it? When I pray to be more like Jesus, I have come to realize, I'm just seeking for knowledge more than continuous sanctification and repentance. I mean yeah, I would like to tweak and change a few things here and there, my temper, my pride, my lack of patience, self-righteousness and the list goes on and on and on. What about the one Jesus makes extremely clear? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your Soul and with all your Mind & Love your neighbors as you love yourself (More than yourself).

On the surface it looks a little easy and yeah, I try. But in reality, this is the layout of the narrow road we are to walk on. The rich young ruler who was nice and neat on the outside, willing to give up some of his wealth etc... But when it really came down to it, God or Money, he couldn't do it. I feel the same way.

In class when we touch on "God or religion", I think I have the "right" answer and feel convicted to speak, but I just can't do it. When I'm driving home and someone cuts me off, I like to test my engine. When I worry about people judging me, I judge them.When someone bumps into me, I get too prideful to not look back with a grin. When I should be spending time with God, I don't. When I should be loving those around me, I don't. In a days time, I have done all this. Tell me, is this how Christ looks like?

But this isn't even what I wanted to say.

I was listening to a sermon on the Rich man and Lazarus (By D.A Carson) a few nights ago, and I felt convicted of something that was said.

The Rich man found his worth in his wealth, Luke 16:19 "there was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day".

"purple and fine linen" = expensive. No need to be dressed in it, but he did. Purple dye was expensive, because there were only two (very expensive) ways to make it during biblical times. Thus, dressed in purple and fine linen (his undergarments were probably purple) had a hedonistic and symbolic value to it as it identified wealth. Also, living in luxury everyday, self-explanatory (indulging in worldly things). This is what he knew and that's what he desired. It's clear that his worth came from the eyes of men.

Now, it's not to say owning nice things and being wealthy is a bad thing. By no means! wow, I just realized I can't fully explain what's going through my brain without summarizing the sermon. haha. Main point, putting value in anything other than God is pure idolatry.

Idolatry is not exclusive to money, it's also to someone, education (obsessed over it), PERSONALITY, your character. The list goes on and on. This is what breaks my heart, my heart is not fully in God. I idolize so many things, I even idolize myself, the greatest sin, taking away God's glory for my own gain. I think at times that I am not so bad, other times I look to others and say "check out what 'I' can do". Worst, I even think to myself, check out what I can do for Him.

If I value God "so much", if he is my all and if my value is in Him, why do I still live the way that I do? And how do I kill the idols in my life? The easy answer is Jesus, but getting there is what kills me. My flesh won't allow me to, but my spirit so wants to.

So I have to question and ask myself, how much of the cross do I understand? If I know the gospel, if I know a little bit of truth and I say I love Christ, how come I don't know how to abound in what I have? Why do I care so much about the eyes of men, when He made it known that he does not look at the outward appearance but the heart?  How come I still do the things that I do, when Christ already fully paid for it on that cross? So the command, love God and those around me, am I living it? I guess this is the great mercy He has on all of us, while we still sin and fill our hearts with things other than Him, He allows us to repent and to be sanctified.

Each and everyday, I see more visibly the purple linens I wear around my body and if im not fighting it with Christ and the Holy Spirit , then, I am losing this race.